Feel the Burn

My, my...it has been a long time between posts. Have I been isolated, sitting in a creative vacuum of some sort, afraid to put thoughts to the, ummm...screen for fear of the unraveling of strange thoughts or emotions that I need to control very closely right now?

Nah. Just been busy.

Lots of stuff going on right now - good stuff, strange stuff, familiar stuff and oddly surprising stuff.

I have a place to go!! And what a place...right in the funky neighborhood-y town (is it a town?) of Somerville, right outside of Boston. Closer to the job market that I intend to attack in a decisive motion, like a spear fisherwoman with a little less warpaint and a nicer outfit. Closer to some friends and family members....really close to one friend, like next-room-over close! I hope Kevin still loves me and finds me a glowing member of humanity after we live together. That is the true test, isn't it?

Well, I have nothing but high hopes for the next phase of my life. Really, the only nervous thoughts that I had about moving back to the city was how it would affect my dog. I don't care how sappy that sounds....he is as much my son as I have ever had, and I care very deeply about his happiness, dammit!
I have already signed up for the Somerville Dog Owner's Group newsletter and scoped out all of the best places to bring Z. There will much more poop-scooping....can't say I look forward to that. Here, up in 'lil old Milford, he does his business in discreet, out of the way places like the woods or under shrubs or in the backyard triangular tangle that is out behind my barn. No mess. No cleanup.

Kevin told me that I would meet lots of people while out walking my dog. With my luck, I will meet a really distinguished hottie with his (or her) dog and we will commence to chatting and flirting and then Zico will hunker down right there on the sidewalk....I will have to practice my offhand bathroom humor and learn how to be a skilled scooper. Sure, I can do this...it can't be any worse than changing a diaper.

I did lots of that over the last two weeks while babysitting at Tracy and Ray's house. What a fabulous time I had!! Even with the occassional poopy diaper. I learned fairly quick how to bundle the messy diaper up right quick to avoid having James, the baby, reach for it or stick his foot in it. That only happened once, and I only got it on my hands once. Not bad for a novice! The rest of the babysitting days were glorious feedings, rockings to sleep, fun projects with Faith, the four year-old, and more viewings of PBS Kids and A Bug's Life than I could have ever thought possible. We had a blast - walks outside, we made the tiniest snowman ever, lots of singing, lots of laughs and fun with babies. I like babies. Finally, I know how to hold them and entertain them and assure them and make them happy. Being a Mom must be pretty great, even if it is hard work. Much respect to the Moms of the world - ladies, you rule!!

Yes, so all in all, even with all of the unfortunate luck I have had with my car, and the loss of a job that should have lasted all winter, and a hefty transition looming before me.......I am ready. I am ready for this split with the husband, very sure that it is the right thing to do and becoming hopeful that he will apply this experience to his life in a positive, beneficial way. Sure, NOW he wants to tell me how great I am...NOW he tells me how much he will miss me. It is not making me waver in the least. For me, when it's done, it's done. I have no trust left for this person, or more specifically, this union.

It is not all his fault, in fact I blame myself for a large portion of what didn't work. It didn't work because I let it be what it was instead of being sure it was what I really wanted. I have painted myself into a corner more than once by accepting things that I knew deep-down were not what I wanted...undervaluing myself and overlooking obvious red flags. Well - I think I have finally learned this lesson.

Conversation with my girl Tracy-

Me: Boy, I really do have a knack for painting myself into a corner, don't I?

Trac: Well, time to walk out of that corner hun! Don't worry if you get wet, painty footsteps all over the place - that'll just make it easier for us to find you!

Indeed...you will find me in the alcoves of the many used-book stores throughout the city. You will find me hosting salsa parties at my new apartment in Somerville! You will find me exploring my new town with my happy, well-adjusted dog...trying to save face as I stoop down to scoop the poop.