Yes. It's back.
Like a long-lost friend, a treasured and sometimes dangerous, troublemaker of a friend. The bitch is back, after a four-year absence...and she wants to hold hands with me again....go out into remote meadows and dabble her feet in swollen streams. She wants to laugh until her sides hurt, she wants to catch snowflakes on her tongue, run amok through the flocks of herding tourists in foreign cities. She wants to be anonymous, she wants to be splattered onto billboards all across the city!!!! She wants to devour, and be devoured...it has been a long time!!
But. Not just yet.
What the hell am I talking about? My libido, fool...it's back!! Yippee! So, not to be crass or reveal too much, but the fact of it is that I have been on medication for the past three years or so. This medication inhibits the sexual urge. Alot.
It is not that I have not had any urges. The urges were there from time to time, but diminished. I would act on said urges, and think that they maybe might be satisfied this time and then - nothin. It would just go away. Poof - gone. Just like that. It was like those strange little half-sneezes you get sometimes...you feel this build-up, and it's not very strong, but still you think you will sneeze, and then - poof. Gone.
Three years. No sneezes.
I suppose it didn't help that my marriage was suffering in it's death-throes. Things got really bland toward the end there. When the subject of sex would come up with my girlfriends, I would joke that when it came to that, I would rather be reading a good book. I've done alot of reading these past three years, let's just say.
But guess what! I came off the medication, just to try it, you know. I think I'm ready. It wasn't for the purpose of attaining those long-forgotten orgasms...I just, well...I am strong now. I have gone through the worst of the types of experiences that I have always been the most afraid of. The screw-ups, embarrassment, bad choices, bad luck, feelings of insignificance, disappointment and failure. Those situations all happened, and I got through it all just fine, better, in fact than I would have ever expected. I move forward now with a greater certainty, a more hopeful spirit, and no ill-will toward any of my awkward experiences or to the ones who made me feel diminished in any way. I am strong now. I deserve a chance to see if my sense of self comes from any kind of wisdom or strength, or just some pill bottle.
I am going with the wisdom and strength, bitches, and my returning libido is just the icing on the cake! And boy, it came back all at once too...which was...funny.
So now I have a new challenge to face. It has been the theory of many professionals in the field of psychology that an upset in the balance of chemicals in the brain can cause a person to self-medicate. Some drink. Some smoke. Some seek attention or love to fill a specific void. And some, like me, like to combine those (and more, sometimes...since I am a seeker and experimental). I have used sex as a vehicle to love, I'll admit it. Not every time, and not always forcing one or the other. I can keep my knickers on if I know that love will not ensue, and I can throw caution to the wind and just have fun and carefree connections.
So that makes the upcoming phase in my life tricky. I am single again. I don't feel desperate for affection or that next meaningful encounter. Nor, and I would have said this post libido-returning, am I looking for a shag. But, sooner or later, I am going to want to go out and play with my long-lost friend.
So, what? Bar hopping? Mmeh. Personal ads? Craigslist?
Ahh...Craigslist. A free, non-cumbersome, member-free platform to post one's wants and needs, and to read the wants and needs of others.
This could get interesting.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Oh What a World
Finally - I'm sick.
It may sound strange, like I have been hoping and waiting to become ill....that's not it exactly. I know I have made mention of the fact, in previous posts, that I rarely get sick and when I do it's not for long and blah-de-blah-blah......then why would I be somewhat thankful for this current state of ickiness?
Well - because it feels right. Because I am due for a nice couple of days of shuffling around the apartment with my fuzzy slippers on and my hair all askew. I like going to bed at 7:30 pm and sleeping fitfully through the night, having odd dreams about my grandmother and Christmas. Today, I know I will be in that in-between state - I'm not deathly ill, but I'm not up for any activities that require me to be a) outside, b) fully-dressed, c) cheerful and fun, and d) productive. It's like a dream state - I can just flit from project to project....no-one will be expecting much from me. And oddly, that's when I will get the most accomplished. You'll see.
Anyhow, here is a fun fact about dogs. Dogs tend to stay very close to you when they sense you are not feeling well. Last night, I crashed out very early, since it was clear that I was not going to accomplish very much...my insides were churning and my head whirring with little germ particles... like dust floating on rays of sunlight. My eyes kept closing on me and my breathing was weak, and I felt guilty because I had only walked Zico twice yesterday and both walks were not long ones. I knew I should take him out one last time but my skin was crawling and I just could not do it.
Then I thought, "Well, Kevin seemed awfully chipper today. He got a nice haircut. He's probably feeling all spry and wouldn't mind taking a spin around the block with Baby Boy Z." Kevin loves Z. So I asked him if he wouldn't mind taking Z for a quick walk, since I was already in bed by that time. As Kevin and I spoke briefly, he at my door and me in bed, Zico made sure he was beside me, licking my face insistently, sniffing around for signs of a visible danger. I have to laugh when he is all up in my face like that, looming over me with a look of dog-concern.
So anyway, Kevin being the prince among men that he is, took Zee out for a nice walk - after, I might add, asking me if I needed any tea or juice, or a hot-water bottle or some Vicks. What a man, what a man...ladies you need to snatch this one up before it's too late! I heard them leave and drifted off a bit, and then heard Zico's clicking toenails on the floor when they got back.
So, I hear his feet go click, click, click...through the kitchen and the dining room and then he stopped at the foot of the stairs for a second, assessing the situation. Then, he bound up the stairs, all legs and wagging tail, straight into my room and onto the bed where he could sniff around for that danger that he knew was there but could not see. Stopping at once to give me a lick-over, he curled up at my side and with a sigh, settled in for the night. What a dog.
It may sound strange, like I have been hoping and waiting to become ill....that's not it exactly. I know I have made mention of the fact, in previous posts, that I rarely get sick and when I do it's not for long and blah-de-blah-blah......then why would I be somewhat thankful for this current state of ickiness?
Well - because it feels right. Because I am due for a nice couple of days of shuffling around the apartment with my fuzzy slippers on and my hair all askew. I like going to bed at 7:30 pm and sleeping fitfully through the night, having odd dreams about my grandmother and Christmas. Today, I know I will be in that in-between state - I'm not deathly ill, but I'm not up for any activities that require me to be a) outside, b) fully-dressed, c) cheerful and fun, and d) productive. It's like a dream state - I can just flit from project to project....no-one will be expecting much from me. And oddly, that's when I will get the most accomplished. You'll see.
Anyhow, here is a fun fact about dogs. Dogs tend to stay very close to you when they sense you are not feeling well. Last night, I crashed out very early, since it was clear that I was not going to accomplish very much...my insides were churning and my head whirring with little germ particles... like dust floating on rays of sunlight. My eyes kept closing on me and my breathing was weak, and I felt guilty because I had only walked Zico twice yesterday and both walks were not long ones. I knew I should take him out one last time but my skin was crawling and I just could not do it.
Then I thought, "Well, Kevin seemed awfully chipper today. He got a nice haircut. He's probably feeling all spry and wouldn't mind taking a spin around the block with Baby Boy Z." Kevin loves Z. So I asked him if he wouldn't mind taking Z for a quick walk, since I was already in bed by that time. As Kevin and I spoke briefly, he at my door and me in bed, Zico made sure he was beside me, licking my face insistently, sniffing around for signs of a visible danger. I have to laugh when he is all up in my face like that, looming over me with a look of dog-concern.
So anyway, Kevin being the prince among men that he is, took Zee out for a nice walk - after, I might add, asking me if I needed any tea or juice, or a hot-water bottle or some Vicks. What a man, what a man...ladies you need to snatch this one up before it's too late! I heard them leave and drifted off a bit, and then heard Zico's clicking toenails on the floor when they got back.
So, I hear his feet go click, click, click...through the kitchen and the dining room and then he stopped at the foot of the stairs for a second, assessing the situation. Then, he bound up the stairs, all legs and wagging tail, straight into my room and onto the bed where he could sniff around for that danger that he knew was there but could not see. Stopping at once to give me a lick-over, he curled up at my side and with a sigh, settled in for the night. What a dog.
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