Hell-oooooo Libido!

Yes. It's back.

Like a long-lost friend, a treasured and sometimes dangerous, troublemaker of a friend. The bitch is back, after a four-year absence...and she wants to hold hands with me again....go out into remote meadows and dabble her feet in swollen streams. She wants to laugh until her sides hurt, she wants to catch snowflakes on her tongue, run amok through the flocks of herding tourists in foreign cities. She wants to be anonymous, she wants to be splattered onto billboards all across the city!!!! She wants to devour, and be devoured...it has been a long time!!

But. Not just yet.

What the hell am I talking about? My libido, fool...it's back!! Yippee! So, not to be crass or reveal too much, but the fact of it is that I have been on medication for the past three years or so. This medication inhibits the sexual urge. Alot.

It is not that I have not had any urges. The urges were there from time to time, but diminished. I would act on said urges, and think that they maybe might be satisfied this time and then - nothin. It would just go away. Poof - gone. Just like that. It was like those strange little half-sneezes you get sometimes...you feel this build-up, and it's not very strong, but still you think you will sneeze, and then - poof. Gone.

Three years. No sneezes.

I suppose it didn't help that my marriage was suffering in it's death-throes. Things got really bland toward the end there. When the subject of sex would come up with my girlfriends, I would joke that when it came to that, I would rather be reading a good book. I've done alot of reading these past three years, let's just say.

But guess what! I came off the medication, just to try it, you know. I think I'm ready. It wasn't for the purpose of attaining those long-forgotten orgasms...I just, well...I am strong now. I have gone through the worst of the types of experiences that I have always been the most afraid of. The screw-ups, embarrassment, bad choices, bad luck, feelings of insignificance, disappointment and failure. Those situations all happened, and I got through it all just fine, better, in fact than I would have ever expected. I move forward now with a greater certainty, a more hopeful spirit, and no ill-will toward any of my awkward experiences or to the ones who made me feel diminished in any way. I am strong now. I deserve a chance to see if my sense of self comes from any kind of wisdom or strength, or just some pill bottle.

I am going with the wisdom and strength, bitches, and my returning libido is just the icing on the cake! And boy, it came back all at once too...which was...funny.

So now I have a new challenge to face. It has been the theory of many professionals in the field of psychology that an upset in the balance of chemicals in the brain can cause a person to self-medicate. Some drink. Some smoke. Some seek attention or love to fill a specific void. And some, like me, like to combine those (and more, sometimes...since I am a seeker and experimental). I have used sex as a vehicle to love, I'll admit it. Not every time, and not always forcing one or the other. I can keep my knickers on if I know that love will not ensue, and I can throw caution to the wind and just have fun and carefree connections.

So that makes the upcoming phase in my life tricky. I am single again. I don't feel desperate for affection or that next meaningful encounter. Nor, and I would have said this post libido-returning, am I looking for a shag. But, sooner or later, I am going to want to go out and play with my long-lost friend.

So, what? Bar hopping? Mmeh. Personal ads? Craigslist?

Ahh...Craigslist. A free, non-cumbersome, member-free platform to post one's wants and needs, and to read the wants and needs of others.

This could get interesting.