Think, Baby...think....

I am having a weird day. Not bad - I feel....suspended. I feel like I am making strong efforts, but they are muted, somehow.

Could be the weather. Last weekend, gorgeous, warm....full of fresh air and springlike tendencies. And then on Monday, it snowed. It snowed and slushed and rained, and we know it won't stay on the ground but we are sick of it!! Enough cold and raw weather - let's get on with Spring already!

I started a diet, of sorts. I have been drinking more lately, out of boredom, so I feel sluggish and thick. I don't look bigger, but my jeans are too tight and I hate that feeling. So I bought a huge box of Special K and I eat it twice a day with fruit, and then I eat one other regular meal - I will lose five pounds in two weeks, says so right on the box! I had to chuckle at myself though, on that first day...because there I was, pouring myself a big fat bowl of flakes, like three times the recommended serving size (one cup of cereal...is that even remotely humanly possible to eat just one cup of dry cereal?!?).

I have been enjoying food so much over the last six months or so - it is painfully obvious that I have been immersed in the art of cooking and eating...lots of sugary, buttery baked goods...rich chocolaty ice cream bars...pasta, oooh yeesssss bring on that pasta, baby. It brings me such satisfaction, it pacifies me and moves me in a way that not much else is doing at this time.

Mama needs some lovin'. Mama needs to kick ass at a fulfilling, creative job and make lots of money and pay her silly outrageous phone bill! Girlfriend needs to kick up her heels and feel sun on her face - I want to be cute and be noticed! Sister needs to laugh and make new friends, expand on the creative, social and intellectual fronts.....Mama wants to get in that groove, honey, I am a free woman! I no longer have the disadvantage of a controlling, jealous, condescending and somewhat unpleasant husband - and he never really stopped me from striding forward, but he sure as hell let me down by not believing in me; by dragging his feet on future growth and prosperity, by filling me with the certainty that I have sort-of wasted the last five years of my life trying to be happy with him.

And I am not angry with him, or even disappointed anymore - I am full of hope and full of desire again. Just bring on the warm weather, and give me more motivation to work out. Allow my stomach to shrink back to it's normal size, and for the love of all things Holy, give me the strength to resist baking cakes and brownies...Jesus God, they will be the death of me!

So, although this week is a bit of a - pill - a slightly bitter pill, still, I have completed some long-awaited tasks. I reworked my pdf portfolio, and it looks so much better. My work is evolving, and I like the way that imagined possibilities come winding through my thoughts as I view my collection of professional works....they can be better, and will be better, even still. Just give me a shot - someone at an urban, hip design studio....just let me in and give me a chance to grow with you. We will bounce incredible ideas around, like silly colorful crazy balls, zig-zagging around the open studio environment! Come on - there has got to be an interesting and groovy place for me, with other capable and creative designers who are expressive and curious about the world!

Jeez, lots of adjectives flying around in this post...but, I am filled to the brim with the explosive desire to succeed at this creative work! Just give me a chance...somebody.