No, really....Are You Serious?

This blog is going to sound like a bunch of wimpy-ass sorry whining. And I don't care.

Ok..well.....alright - I won't whine. I won't be sad because a guy I met on the internet had confusion and decided after meeting me once, that he didn't feel a "full spark" and was unwilling to even consider my really lame attempt at the suggestion of being friends anyway. He considered it, overnight...he left me twisting in the wind overnight, after making such a foolishly brazen "joke" at the end of my ..."oh, really, it's OK...I don't think of this as a rejection, I think of it as a step forward for both of us...if it's one thing I know about life and people is that you can't help how you feel and blah blah-de blah fucking blah..." response to his kiss-off letter.

Alright - it wasn't a kiss-off letter. It was an unexpected honest reply to the unspoken question of whether or not there was a spark that could be carried forward any further between myself and this guy. And he felt no spark. He felt something, just not enough to want to give me any more time. He felt bad about it, but he knew he couldn't offer me any hope. Whatsoever. Not even a whisper of hope.

It makes me wonder - did I carry myself in such a way as to communicate a hope for some kind of future with this guy? I actually thought I played it pretty cool for a change! He was the one mentioning future outings, in passing of course. He was the one telling me somewhat personal stuff about his life and the difficulties thereof.

And here is where I am supposed to remind myself that when I picked up on the (usual) red-flag vibes....the uncomfortable admissions, the fidgety flaky comments, I knew that I couldn't let myself like this guy. I want to say that I didn't fall for any of those. What I can say is that I was aware of my own tendencies to be too "real", and this time, on this first date, I did none of that. I was the essense of true comfort and quality company, if I do say so myself.

So what's my problem? Why is this renting any space in my head at all?

It must be merely because.... now I have less to look forward to. For the time being. That fluttery feeling, hopeful anticipation...stuff I know damn well I should not necessarily indulge in, but fuck it - I create visions in my head to ENJOY - I enjoy the fantasies, the urges that wash over me like salty sea. And then I get mad when those happy, hopeful stories end in a cloud of disappointment.

Is it so wrong to look forward to a first kiss with someone you feel a connection with? Hell no. I can't wait to languish in the heated, brawny embrace of some lucky fella. I can't wait to laugh with someone at the sheer excitement that intimacy brings..that dirty, earthy slippery feeling. I want arms around me, rough chin scraping my neck, a piercing gaze on my nude body.

This guy is missing a good time *wink*

And I am not all slobbering and horny here - I want companionship with someone who actually likes who the hell I am! I want movies, long talks, fun with my dog at the park, music and dancing, even. I want great food and good conversations over bottles of wine...I want the beach, I want the mountains - a band that we both like, appreciating each other's arts and skills, hugs out in open air or on the subway.

I want that.